My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
