Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
