Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
