I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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