I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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