yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I need a burrito and a hug.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
