The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
