So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
