I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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