Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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