I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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