Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
