I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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