Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
