Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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