smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
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I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
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She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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