I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
