he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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