My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
