please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
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Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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