So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
im on a boat
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