you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
