Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My hand turned me down
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
