I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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