I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
