When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
