I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
