Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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