I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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