Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
