She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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