I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
