you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
