so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
