i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
