Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
