I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
