Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
