his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
