I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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