a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Pooping to opera.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
