put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
