Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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