You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
