Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
