If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
