i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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