Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
