Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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