I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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