There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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