i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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