Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
