i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
