Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
