I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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