Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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