I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
