o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
