he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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