I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
