I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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