What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.