I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.