i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
