she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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