I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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