Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We left the knife in your bed.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
