Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
