why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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