if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
