captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
